Years ago, I was oop north, near Theen, looking for gold, or was I hoonting an Ice Bear ? I cahn’t be fa sha now. No wait, it was a bear. Yes, I was hoonting an Ice Bear near Theen. It had been three days since I first saw ha tracks. From the heaviness o’ tha tracks, I could tell she was with coob. It was the end o’ the season and a lot o’ bears were with coobs this time o’ year. I think I was 12 years old then, or maybe I was 10. Yes, I was 10. Me fatha had made me a spear, with a stone head, for me tenth name day. Yes, I was 10. In me village, a boy cood become a man at 10, after he proved himself. “Go boy, hunt. Bring us back a fresh kill or don’t come back yerself,” me pappy told me, handing me the spear. “An’ don’t bring us back no squirrel o’ rabbit neither ! Take this dog with ya so ya don’t get lost!”
So, I set out with the dog, me new spear, a shield made of Sentinal Pine and stretched auroch’s skin, three days worth o’ rations and me knew pair of snowshoes me mum made fa me. The dog got eaten by a shadowcat me first night out. I had no needs for that bitch, anyways. Couldn’t see how I was gonna get lost. The mountains and the rivers neva move and the sun always comes up in the east and goes down in tha west. Unless they pick oop the whole village and move it, I can’t sees how I’m goin’ ta lose it.
Fa tha furst two days, I followed the bear oop the mountain. On tha thurd day, on tha way down tha moutain, I caught site o’ ha down in tha pass. She was a big bear, baby coobs o’ not, she was big. She cast a hugh shadow on the canyon wall, like a goose casts an arse on ha eggs.
I headed down tha mountainside as fast as I cood, excited ’bout me furst kill. Thinkin’ to meself the whole way, “Don’t do anythin’ styupid an’ get cha self killed.” But , I coodn’t slow meself down. I didn’t need ta watch tha tracks no more, cuz I cood see tha animal right in froont o’ me. So, I picked oop me pace. I took off me snowshoes and slid down tha side o’ the mountian with me shield strapped acrost me back and me spear in me hand.
As I got ta tha bottom o’ tha mountain, an’ headed t’wards the pass, I heard a loud, gootteral sound in froont o’ me. I looked oop ta see a giant ova man standing between me an’ tha pass. He was 20 feet tall, if he was an inch. I stopped so fast, me shadow ran ahead o’ me ! Me shadow looked oop ta see tha giant and ran back bahind me agin. I’m not shur if I was more scared o’ more suprised at that moment, but I know I was a bunch o’ both. I had heard tales o’ giants b’for, but neva thought them ta be true. They was tales old women would tell ta their children ta scare ‘em inta bed, o’ away from a pie o’ sumthin’. “Tha giant’s are gonna getcha if ya eat that pie, boy.” I neva thought tha tales cood be true though, that’s why they call ‘em “tales”, I thought. The giant said somethin’ ta me agin. He had a low, boomin’ voice. The sound bounced off the canyon walls so loudly, that me ears began ta bleed. I neva undastood tha Old Tounge, so I don’t know what he was tryin’ ta say ta me, but it musta been somethin ta do with me not crossin’ that pass, cuz he said it agin and firmly stood his ground.
Tha giant was armed with what was his knife, it looked ta me ta be a broadsword. In his otha hand he had a cloob as big as a tree trunk. He musta been as surprised ta see me as I was ta see him, cuz when I started ta run at him, he looked confused, an’ just stood there, lookin’ at me screamin’ and runnin’ right at ‘em. Me pappy once told me not ta be scared o’ nothin’, and if eva I WAS scared of somethin’, I should attack it straight on. Apparently , this giant was unaware of me pappy’s phylosophies on life, cuz he just stared at me in dismay, as I was coming right fa ‘em. So there I was, runnin’ right at this 20 foot tall giant, screamin’ like I had nothin’ ta lose. I didn’t even know why I was doin’ it. I only knew that that giant was standing in tha way o’me and me Ice Bear pelt.
When I was ’bout 30 feet from tha giant, I reached back with me right hand, grabbed me shield off me back with me thumb and me forefinga, and flung it at tha giant’s head. He reached oop ta block tha shield from hittin’ his face as I jumped into tha air and kicked him so hard in tha noots that I heard a bone snap in me foot. The full force o’ me runnin’ and slammin’ into tha giant didn’t budge tha mountain ova man one bit. I fell backwards. Me backside slammed onto the ground. Fa a moment, I didn’t know where I was.The kick in tha noots musta did the trick though, because, all I saw was blackness falling all around me. The next thing I knew, the giant laid dead, on top o’ me.
I was completely pinned to tha ground, under tha giant. I couldn’t move me arms o’ me legs for the giant that was now me blanket. The only part of me body I had control ova’ was me head. Figurin’ I had surely seen me last sunrise, and that I wood neva know tha touch ova woman, I looked around the best I could an’ surveyed tha situation. Apparently, as tha giant had reached oop ta block me shield from hittin’ his face, he stabbed himself in tha neck with tha broadsword he was holdin’ in his hand. He damn near cut his head completely off ! That, and the kick in the noots I give him, were sufficient enuf ta kill him instantly. No matter ta me at that point, though, I was covered oop with giant. Takin’ furtha stock o’ tha situation, I realized I had only one way oot.
So, bite by bite, I ate me way oot. I took a chunk o’ tha giant’s flesh in me mouth an’ ripped at it until it came loose from his body. With blood an’ flesh an’ sinew coverin’ me face, I spit out tha giant’s flesh after each bite. I couldn’t help but swallow some o’ that giant from time ta time, though, as I was layin’ on me back an’ wood choke on his blood otherwise. Giants taste as bad as they smell.
After a while of rippin’ and spittin’, I was able to wiggle me shoulder free. Then, me elbow. Once I was able ta get me right arm oot from unda tha giant, tha task went a bit fasta. I stoock me hand into tha hole I opened oop with me mouth an’ was able ta rip oot larger chunks o’ the giant’s flesh. After a while, I wrestled me otha hand loose and I was well on me way ta freein’ meself from tha giant. It took two days o’ bitin’, rippin’, spittin’, swallowin’ and wigglin’ to wrestle the beast offa me.
When I was done, I was so pissed off, I picked oop tha giant’s broadsword, an’ hacked his fookin’ head off !
I used me spear and bored out his eyes, cussin’ him tha whole time. I took tha belt o’ hempen rope from around tha giant’s waist. I threaded it through his eye sockets, in through one eye an’ oot tha otha, an’ tied a knot at tha end. I tied tha otha end o’ tha rope ’round me waist an’ dragged that giant’s head all tha way back home. By tha time I got back ta tha village, all that was left o’ tha giant’s head was this skull. (Taps his helm with his knuckles).
Me pappy took one look at me comin’ through tha clearing an’ said, “That ain’t no rabbit’s head !” He met me at tha entrance ta tha village. I stood at the gates while the otha free folk gathered ’round. As me pappy bent ova ta untye tha rope from tha giant’s skull, I saw me mum standin’ next ta tha wata well. She had her hands, clinched together in a single fist, pressed firmly against ha chest, as if she were tryin’ ta hold sumthin’ in. She was starin’ at me with a queer smile an’ tears runnin’ down her face.
I thought me pappy was gonna ask me where his dog was. But, instead, he slid tha giant’s skull onto me head an’ gave it a pat. He clamped his hands down on me shoulders an’ turned me t’wards ‘im. Lookin’ me straight in tha eyes, he gave me shoulders a squeeze an’ a bit ova shake. He had a smile on his face, tha likes o’ which, I’d neva seen b’for. Without sayin’ a word, he gave me a hug. Not tha kinda hug a fatha gives his son, but tha kinda hug a man gives another man.
I killed me a giant an’ took his head fa a helm when I was 10 years old. It’s the stooff stories are made of, but ain’t nobody wrote me a song o’ made me a knight. That son of a whore Thormond gets tha name “Giantsbane”. It don’t botha me none, though. I know who I am.
I’m The Lord O’ Bones !